I've Found The Precious
by Lifes a beach
Summary: Ever wonder how Gollum got away from the Mirkwood Elves? Yes, yes, there was that bit about the orcs, but this is how it REALLY happened. Utter nonsense, total hilarity, rated R for language and other such things.


ATTENTION TO ALL READERS: BEWARE!!  
  
This is a purely entertain-ial fic which was written by me for the entertainment of my sister (FireValkyrie) which turned out to be rather hilarious. It was not meant to go this far, nor was it actually meant to be posted, yet here it is. It starts out as Gollum/Teari (in mindset...not that way, ya pervs!) Once I wrote it, I realized that I had created a bit of hilarity the explains just HOW the Mirkwood Elves lost Gollum. Don't expect any quality writing in here! All I have to say is "Run faster stupid!!"  
  
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~I've Found The Precious~  
  
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I've found the precious.   
  
i teari. me blonde. i likes taters. me find tater, me eats taters. mmm...taters. once me find...CAT! me eats cat...mmm, cat. cat no likes taters. me wants cat like taters. me forces cat taters. me eats cat.   
  
nice hobbit. likes taters. me eats hobbit. hobbit fight back. kicks me tooth. me no eats hobbit. nasty hobbitses. what's it got in its pocketses? cat? taters? me bites pocketses. empty. RATS! me no eats rats. nasty little squeakers. rats...rats...r-a-t...c-a-t....mmm, cat! no gots cat in pocketses. me angers.   
  
cat eats taters? once me eat cat, it will. mmm, yummy finger. not cat tho. me hocks loogie. *gollum, gollum* hocks on nasty hobbitses. nice hobbit! nasty elfses! with their keen bright eyes! me pokes them out! with cat! no hurts my precious, not in the eyes.   
  
fishhhhhhh...wish for fish. to eat. not cat. cat fight back! me bite cat. cat bites back! nasty catses! fish no bites back. fish gets bites back...bites...mmm, fish! hits me face it does, my precious! so me bites it in 2. no hits us, no it doesn't any more, my precious.   
  
AHHHH! black riders! takes bites out of us, they do! run precious, run! nasty riderses! OH NO! a tree! run faster stupid! I mean precious! yes, precious! don't yells at us precious! no precious no, not stupid. am smarf! smarf enough to catch nasty hobbitses! kicks us with nasty footses, it does stupid!   
  
Smarf! smarf... yes, precious. very smarf we are! stupid, nasty fat hobbit! kicks our tooth! last one too! we uses toof to bite fish in 2! me uses toof to bite finger in 2. me loves toof! my friend precious. our friend precious. toof....  
  
WE HATES IT! IT DOESN'T BITE CAT GOOD ENOUGH! NO PRECIOUS, WE HATES IT!   
  
nooooo! toof is our friend!  
  
NO, WE HATES IT!   
  
we hates hobbitses! and toof...NO WAIT!   
  
uhh...rock and pool, is nice and cool, full of fish, fish to eat, eats a fish, so juicy sweet! DAMN FISH SLAPS OUR FACES IT DOES! WE BITES IT IN HALF! piranha bites back. takes our fingers it does! we takes hobbitses! and the precious... we eats that! cus we loves it! loves hobbits...we eats them too!   
  
once we climbed a tree! filled with nasty birdses! we squish their eggses! out of spite! pecks our eyes it does! and steals our hair! nasty hair nestes! filled with eggses to squish!   
  
ELFSES! RUN STUPID!   
  
stop yelling, precious!   
  
RUN STUPID!!!!   
  
STOP YELLING PRECIOUS!   
  
STOP YELLING STUPID!   
  
OH NOOO! ROPSES! it burnssss ussssss!!!! arrgggggg!! "take this off us?!"   
  
"Shut up ugly!"  
  
"nasty elfses!"  
  
"I said shut up stupid!"  
  
"DON'T CALL US STUPID, UGLY!"  
  
"WHAT!? YOUR GOIN DOWN, MOTHA'!"  
  
"nasty elfses, with their smack downs!"  
  
"I am the crowned prince of Mirkwood! I am so beautiful, even Dumbledore wants me!"  
  
"nasty old men! accosts elfses he does! lecher..."  
  
"I'm 2,931 years old! I'm older than him!"  
  
"then elfses are even nastier than precious thought! elfses is the lecher!"  
  
"Don't call me a lecher, stupid!"  
  
"lecher, lecher, LECHER!"  
  
*shoots him in the butt with arrow* "take that!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH! NASTY ELFSES! SHOOTS OUR ASSES IT DOES!"  
  
"And there's more where THAT came from!"  
  
"don't accost us!"  
  
"What?! You wish!"  
  
"to be boned up the ass by nasty elfses? I think not, precious!"  
  
"Ewww! That's nasty!"  
  
"YOU DID IT!"  
  
"I DID NOT!!"  
  
"DON'T BONE US!!!"  
  
"DADDY!"  
  
*Thranduil walks up* "Yes?"  
  
"he rapes us he does!"  
  
"You did WHAT?"  
  
"I didn't do anything!"  
  
"up the ass he does!"  
  
"LEGOLAS! I'm so dissapointed!"  
  
"i have higher standards than that!"  
  
"Shuttup Gollum!"  
  
"What did I tell you about lesser creatures?"  
  
"Not to accost them..."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I didn't!!"  
  
"What about estel?"  
  
"That was a long time ago!"  
  
"Two days isn't that long...."  
  
"I'm not on trial here!" *notices Gollum is gone* "Bugger!"  
  
"Now look what you've done, you scared your boyfriend away!"  
  
"He's not my boyfriend!"  
  
"No, I am" said Aragorn.  
  
"What about Dumbledore?" asked Thranduil.  
  
"What?!" cried Aragorn "Dumbldore's cheating on me?!"  
  
"What?! He's MY boyfriend!"  
  
"YOU SLUT!"  
  
"Don't call me that, father."  
  
"WHORE, WHORE!"  
  
"SHUTTUP ARAGORN!"  
  
THE END  
  
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he-he... PLEASE R/R!  
  
sincerely, Teah. 


End file.
